You Deliver Me

Ever have one of those days when nothing seems to go right? Or weeks? Month? Year?

I'm not saying things have been quite that bad, but they haven't been happy-go-lucky either. The challenges seem to keep piling up around me. The bad news and/or events come in waves; deaths, break-ups, job loss, depression, pride, anger and selfishness - life seems gloomy and then for a moment the sun shines brightly and you remember Who is in control.

I've always seen my faith as simple, I know that God is in control, no need to question that. In highschool I had friends questioning whether God really existed or if He was real, but I don't remember having those same questions. I had watched my parents, sisters and other influential adults respond to despairing situations with such faith and peace that I had no doubt. I'm rarely even tempted to ask the question of "why?" when bad things happen. Seriously its more of a "well why not?" attitude that I take. We were never promised an easy life, in fact, quite the opposite. Hard times help develop not only our character (pruning and helping produce fruit - John 15) but also our faith and trust in Him.

But "Why" isn't the question I find myself asking God. I know that God will use these trials to bring Himself glory. I know that God will answer the cries of my heart. I know that God can restore the broken relationships. I know that God will make all things work together for good, for those who love Him. I know that God will heal the hurting. ---- but HOW?!  -- My ultimate question seems to be "Lord, how can this possibly bring You glory? How will You answer this prayer and How will it look?"

While contemplating the lives and hurt around me, I heard a couple share their story of a routine 18week ultrasound of their baby. The ultrasound brought news no parent ever dreams they will hear, yet dread hearing it all the same: an abnormality on her lungs that would make her "incompatible with life". They went through the pregnancy, knowing that, medically speaking, their little girl would never leave the hospital, but praying and believing for a miracle. They prepared for her memorial service, even as they prayed for her healing. The doctors told them, at best, she'd live for a minute and be gasping for air her whole life. Still, they prayed for a miracle. Their precious Audrey arrived in April and lived for about two and a half hours while her family gathered around her singing hymns, praising God for this life, took pictures and lovingly held her.
The most powerful statement I heard this week came from the mother of this precious baby. After sharing the story of their loss, she simply said "He did not heal her the way we wanted Him to, [but] its important for me to say we still believe he could have. That was His choice. That was what brought Him the most glory"

So while I don't understand why, and I still don't have the answers for how, I know that God is at work and He will do what is best, because that is what will bring Him the most glory.

When I feel like, I can't go on
You deliver me, You deliver me

Sticky Note #8

I recently ran across this "poem" that I wrote back in 2006. (I think it may be the only time I've ever tried my hand at poetry) It was interesting to look back at my old writings. A lot has changed since I started my first blog in 2004. Most of the changes are good, even though some of the changes are painful to look back on. This particular writing is from a very rough time that I sometimes wish I could forget, but when I remember what God taught me during that time, I realize I would go through it again because of the lessons learned.

The Pain Inside
I'm tired of hiding
this pain that I feel.
Can't you see it,
when you look in my eyes?
I hide behind my smile,
while those around me
think I'm fine.

But won't you take the time
to see my pain?
I reach out to others,
I see their pain;
perhaps by taking on their troubles,
I may forget my own.

But it lingers on,
that terrible ache.
Unable to hide,
unable to forget.

So I give it to Him,
He's the only One
who can take away my cares.
His plans for me, include this pain,
for He knows that, while it hurts,
it is best in the end.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days-
Let them flow in ceaseless praise
Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.
Take my will and make it Thine-
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.